By James Kissinger
“Deep down within me words move in phrases
Frozen and still ’til they decide
To melt and drip over the pages
Until that moment they live inside
You can’t kill my words, they know no bounds My words are strong …”
– from the song Words by Lucinda Williams
Each of us has a treasure trove of words inside of us. It’s estimated that the average vocabulary size of an American with a four year college degree is 17,000 words. Seventeen thousand words to use in any shape, form or fashion we choose. Seventeen thousand words to communicate who we are to the world around us. So how do we use them to benefit ourselves and others?
I recently heard Dr. Greg Smalley speak regarding the effect our words can have on our mate. It was a very simple message: words have the power to build up or to tear down. It’s true in any and all of our relationships, whether it be with a spouse, a child, a co-worker or the waitress who serves you coffee at IHOP. What we say matters. It matters to us and it matters to them. Dr. Smalley highlighted seven specific types of words that breathe life into those around us. After listening to him it struck me that it is just as easy to communicate these positive messages as it is to communicate negative messages. The seven types of words he spoke of are as follows:
- Words of gratitude – thankful recognition for something specific that someone has done.
- Words of praise – the act of expressing approval, admiration, or complimenting someone.
- Words of appreciation – noticing what you value in another.
- Words of encouragement – to reinforce, to “give courage.”
- Words of validation – giving merit to ones ideas, thoughts, opinions and emotions.
- Words of protection – speaking kindly of your mate in front of others when he or she is or isn’t present.
- Words of blessing – to confirm a truth and to strengthen it.
As I began to think of some of the people whose presence I enjoy in my life it became apparent that for the most part they communicate within this framework. It led me to the natural question: what type of words tear us down? Dr. Smalley didn’t identify those, but I’ve put together a short list of which I’ve unfortunately been on both ends of at one time or another:
- Words of doubt – questioning whether one can accomplish something they’ve set out to do; I believe this to be especially damaging to children.
- Words of absolute – you NEVER do this or you ALWAYS do that.
- Words of blame – finding fault in the person and not the action.
- Words of comparison – why can’t you be like that?
- Words of criticism – focusing on the wrong instead of helping with the right.
The same 17,000 words strung together, delivered in different manners, having the ability to build up or to tear down. To embolden a life or to break a spirit. As dramatic a statement as that is, it’s true for our interaction with those we love. Our daily messages, our use of words, are a defining force in the lives of those close to us. It’s worthy of our conscious effort to make sure we are breathing life with the words we speak.
“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint …” Proverbs 17:27
Perhaps the greatest lesson any of us can ever learn in regards to our speech is a very short, very simple, yet very powerful principle: words, once spoken, can never be taken back. King Solomon knew what he was talking about when he penned the words above. A man of knowledge uses words with restraint. Words that wound remain forever. They echo in our ears, never forgotten. Forgiven perhaps, but lingering in our soul for years after they’re spoken. The scars that careless words leave behind are unseen, but real none-the-less. So this simplest of lessons is the most important. We should avoid speaking in haste and speaking in anger. Nothing bad has ever come from collecting one’s thoughts before speaking.
But fortunately, as easily as words can wound, they can just as easily heal. Used thoughtfully, they can repair hurts, mend relationships and move lives forward. Each of us has the ability to affect those around us positively just by what we say and how we say it. All we need to do is to take the time to listen to how we speak. The response you get is worth so much more than the effort required. Speak life to those you love.
