Are You Lonely?

By Greg Primm

Are you lonely?

A friend of mine asked this question to a group of people gathered in his house Sunday night.  The question seemed a little preposterous given that there were 12 people in the room.  How could we possibly be lonely with so many friends around?  I should probably mention that my friend was leading a discussion for a group study we are involved in with our church.  He wasn’t talking about merely being surrounded by friendly people.  The topic was about developing deep, authentic relationships.

The discussion that followed surprised me.  The general consensus was that while most of us are surrounded by lots of acquaintances, colleagues, and casual friends — we lack deep, meaningful friendships.  If you’ve ever had a close friendship you know what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the type of friend you could call at 2 am if you needed help.  I’m talking about the type of friend who is willing to be honest and tell you when you are screwing up.

So many of us live in a world of relationships that revolve around work, our kid’s activities, the golf course, etc.  Very few of these relationships are more than casual friendships.  There’s certainly nothing wrong with that.   We certainly need these relationships in our lives.  We’re not going to be close friends with everyone we come into contact with each week.

There are many reasons to not pursue new friendships:  lack of time, other priorities, even thinking we don’t need them.  However, deep down, we know we need something more.   We have a desire to have relationships that go beyond the surface.  We need authentic relationships to help us process life.  

How do you develop a friendship that goes deeper than just the sports page?  I certainly don’t have the answers, but here are some things we came up with during our discussion Sunday night:

• Make a Trial Run - Test the waters a bit with a casual friend to see if he is willing to talk about more than the latest headlines.  Instead of asking, “how’s work?” try asking whether they like their job.  Instead of “how’s the wife and kids?” ask them how they make time to re-connect with their wife.  You would be amazed at the conversations that will result from asking questions that go just a little deeper.
• Take a Risk – You’re probably going to have to open up and be the first one to share some things about yourself.  The risk here is that you get the infamous blank stare.  To prevent the blank stare, don’t go too deep too fast.  Just be willing to talk about your own life in a way that will give your friend the comfort level to reciprocate.
• Serve – Perhaps the best way to invest in a friendship is to offer to help out a friend.  I’m usually very selfish with my time, so service can be hard.  However, spending an afternoon helping out in a friend’s backyard, loading a moving van, or watching the kids can be the greatest investment you can make.  Through service, your friend knows you care.
• Encourage  - I’ve got a friend who is just a blast to be around.  We’ve known each other for 20 years and I look forward to every opportunity to hang out with him.  Why?  He’s got a real gift for encouraging others.  He’ll always have something positive to say no matter what the situation.  He often sees more in me than I see in myself.  Our lives are filled with so much negative feedback that its often hard to keep a positive attitude, so you’ll stand out if you offer a few words of encouragement. 

I came away from our discussion Sunday night more aware of how important close friendships are to both men and women.  Men usually have a harder time developing them.  We’re afraid we’ll be seen as “soft” or too “touchy feely”.  The truth is, we have a lot on our plate and without deep friendships to help us process our life, we risk becoming frustrated with the problems of life with no outlet to sovle them.

So, if you have a close friend or two be sure to spend the time to maintain and grow these friendships.  If not, begin the process of developing a close friendship.  It will take time and effort.  You may not even succeed the first time.  But I promise that investing your life in authentic relationships will be worth it.

Photo credit:  dhammza